Cause of Death

A man and wife were playing in their club's annual "Guys and Dolls" tournament. The man was not happy about having to play, but his wife had insisted. On the 12th tee, his patience had reached its limit. While his wife wasted time on the ladies tee, he decided to go ahead and hit his drive from the mens. Unfortunately, he misjudged his shot and his ball hit his wife in the back of the head, killing her instantly. At the hospital the doctor came to talk to the husband. "Mr. Davies, we found a golf ball lodged 3 inches into your wife's brain, which was the the cause of death. But, we have found something else that really puzzles us." "What is it?" asked Mr. Davies. "Well," said the doctor, "we also found a golf ball lodged 6 inches into her anal cavity." The husband dismissed the doctor with a wave of his hand "Oh, that was just my Mulligan!"

Annual Club Championshilp

An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, " I can't believe you missed that putt!" "That putt was no longer than my 'willy'." The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "yes dear, but it was much harder!"

ASSYLUM

Two friends had arranged a round of golf and were now on the first tee,
preparing to start their game at 7 a.m.

Just as the first was half way up his backswing, a good looking young lady
ran across the course about 10 yards in front of him, peeling off her
clothes as she went until she was totally naked. As she disappeared into
the woods he turned, dazed, to his companion, "What was that about?!!!"

"Take no notice. Just get on with the game," replied the other.

Settling down and lining up for his drive, the first golfer then noticed
four men in white coats running across the course on a similar track to
the young lady. "What......???!!!"

"Look. Just get on with the game," said the second. "We don't have all
day, and you know the course closes at 9 p.m.," the second says with a
chuckle.

For the third time the golfer squared up to the ball, only to be
distracted by another man in a white coat running across the fairway,
lugging two buckets of sand. "Now, hold on a minute," said the first
golfer, "I'm not playing until you tell me what's going on."

"OK." said the second. "Just over the wall there is an asylum. The
young lady is a patient who escapes and runs around naked from time to
time. The guys in white coats are chasing her."

"I'll buy that," said the first, "but what's with the guy and the two
buckets of sand?"
" He's the guy who caught her the last time. That's his handicap."

Tiger Woods (OK...so it's Golf and not Rugby)

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" , says Tiger.

"Feckin Jaysus" , says the Irishman, "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything!"

A rugby referee died and went to heaven. Stopped by St Peter at the gates he was told that only brave people who had performed heroic deeds and had the courage of their convictions could enter. If he could describe a situation in his life where he had shown these characteristics, he would be allowed in.

"Well," said the ref, "I was controlling a game between Wales and England in Cardiff. Wales were two points ahead with a minute to go. Ben Cohen made a break, passed inside to Martin Johnson. Johnson was driven on by his forwards, before he passed out to Lawrence Dallaglio who went over in the corner. But Dallaglio dropped the ball before he could ground it. As England were clearly the better side all game, I ruled that he had got it down and awarded the try."

"OK, that was fairly brave of you, but I will have to check it in the book," said Peter, before disappearing to look it up. When he came back he said: "Sorry, there's no record of this. Can you help me to trace it? When did all this happen?"

The ref looked at his watch and replied "45 seconds ago.

Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and an English rugby fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?
A. Shoot the English fan - twice.

Plane Crash

The South Africans were flying to a tour when their plane lost an engine.
The pilot came over the loudspeakers and informed everyone, but insisted that this was alright as they had another and it was more than capable of reaching their destination. As soon as he finished on the microphone the second engine blew and he came back on informing everyone that it was time to make their peace.
The South African captain then led his team and others on the plane in prayer. The plane crashed and they all went to heaven. As it happened, this was the day before the annual Heaven versus Hell Rugby match (as those who have played subbies know, ours is also the game they play in hell).
God saw his opportunity and called the Devil.
G: I was thinking about tomorrow's game and thought of increasing the normal stakes.
D: Sure thing, I'm a betting man!
G: OK, how about we double the bet to 200 souls?
D: Look, I don't mind that, but I'm happy to make it a thousand.
G: Good stuff, one thousand souls it is.
D: Deal
God sniggered slightly down the 'phone line, which make the Devil's ears prick up
D: You're up to something, I can tell, what is it?
G: I might be up to something, but you'll find out tomorrow.
D: Look, our bets made and you know I won't back out of it, tell me
G: OK, I have the entire Springbok side