True Confessions Of A Golfer

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my child?" the priest asks back.

"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible."

"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the priest again.

"Well, no," said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed priest.

"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient priest.

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."

"You missed the %#$*& putt, didn't you?" sighed the priest.

Will I live to be 100?

An energetic rookie asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.

The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," he replied, "I've never done either. I'm dedicated to my sport and I'm going to be a major league star one day."

"Do you gamble, drive fast motorcycles, or fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things either."

"Well, then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

Sports Laws

Nothing is ever so bad that it can't be made worse by firing the coach.

The wrong pitcher is the one who's in there now.

A free agent is a contradiction in terms.

Whoever thought up "It's only a game" probably just lost one.

It is always unlucky to be behind at the end of a game.

The trouble with being a good sport is that you have to lose to prove it.

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose until you lose.

In sports teamwork is essential. It enables you to blame someone else.

Big as a baseball bat

A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his proud father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. When we got up in the plane, the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Um, not yet. Then, the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed on to the door and refused to go. Finally, he called over the jump master. The jump master is this great big guy, about six-foot-five, and 250 pounds.

He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.'

So, the jump master pulled down his zipper and took his member out from his pants. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!

He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your butt!' "

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little, at first."

I can't play football

After a visit to the doctor, Joe Bloggs, the city team's centre forward dropped in to his local pub for a quick one. "What's up mate?" asked his friend Brian, "you look worried."

"Yes, I am," Joe replied. "I've just been to the doctor's and he told me I can't play football."

"Oh, really?" said Brian. "He's seen you play too then, has he?"

Beaten to death with a baseball bat

A man is in court for murder and the judge says, 'You have been found guilty of beating your wife to death with a baseball bat."

A voice in the back of the courtroom says, "You bastard."

Then the judge continues, "You have also been found guilty of beating your daughter to death with a baseball bat."

Again, the voice in the back of the court says, "You bastard."

The judge says, "Now, we can't have any more outbursts like that or I will find you in contempt of court. Now, what's your problem?"

The man in the back of the courtroom says, "For fifteen years I've lived next door to this bastard, and every time I played a game of baseball and asked to borrow a bat, he said he never had one."

Rugby Fan

There's a man sitting in the front row at the Rugby World Cup Finals, but amazingly, there's an empty seat beside him. Another man spots it, goes up to him and says: "Do you mind if I sit here?"
" No, not at all," replies the first man. "It's my wife's seat, but she's just died."
" So why didn't you get one of your family to come," asks the second man out of curiosity.
" They're all at the funeral."

Ears

A rugby player was hurt very badly during a scrum and he had both of his ears ripped off. Since he was permanently disfigured, he decided to give up playing Rugby for good. His club and insurance company ensured that a large sum of money went his way.

One day, he decided to invest his money in a small but growing sportswear business. He bought the company outright but after signing on the dotted line, realised that he knew nothing about business. He decided to employ someone to run the shop.

The next day he set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very enthusiastic. At the end of the interview, the former rugby player asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

And the man replied, "Why, yes, I couldn't help noticing you have no ears." The rugby player got angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anythingdifferent about me?"

She replied: "Well, you have no ears." He got upset again and showed her the door.

The third and last interview was with the best of the three. He was a very young man fresh out of college. He was smart and handsome and seemed to know all about the sportswear business.

The Rugby player was anxious, but went ahead and asked him the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise the young man answered: "Yes, you wear contact lenses."

The former rugby player was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man you are.

How in the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no flipping ears."

Elbow operation

A pitcher enters the hospital for an operation on his elbow. When he conies to after the procedure, he's perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed.

"Son, there's been a bit of a mix-up," admits the surgeon. "I'm afraid we confused you with another patient, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis."

"What!" gasps the pitcher. 'You mean I'll never experience another erection?"

"Oh, you might," the surgeon reassures him. "Just not yours."