A guy goes ice fishing, takes out an auger and starts drilling.
LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: "There's no fish there."
Guy goes to another spot and drills.
LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: "There's no fish there, either."
Guy tries a third spot.
LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: "Nope. Not there either."
Guy, getting a little nervous: "Are you God?"
LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: "No. I'm the arena manager."

Kungfu Class

So ya know, I've been taking these kung-fu classes lately. I must say they are great. Teach you how to be as powerful as a tiger, as quick as a monkey, as smart as a dragon. Why just the other day, these guys came up to me with a knife and demanded money. So, I turned into a chicken and ran!

Hit the Ball

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the goddamn ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
" Well, hell, man, you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

Since Ten Years

A guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
" Ten years!", he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh, man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years ! "
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic !"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
And the man replies "My God ! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there !"

Why did the goal post get angry?
Because the bar was rattled!

What is the bank manager's favourite type of football?
Fiver side!

What part of a football ground is never the same?
The changing rooms!

What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?
Bring on their subs!

Golf Bag Genie

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar. He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one.

"I sure do" he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12" Bic lighter.

"Wow" said his friend. "where did you get that monster?"

"I got it from the genie".

"You have a genie?" he asked.

"Yeah, he is right here in my golf bag".

"Could I see him?"

He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant me a wish?"

"Yes I will", says the genie.

So the guy asks for one million bucks. The genie hops back into the bag leaving the guy standing there waiting for the million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of one million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend turns to his golfing partner "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

His buddy says. "Hell, I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing, Do you really think I would have asked him for a 12" Bic!"

Olympic Glory

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face.

"I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.

"You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

Hitakushi!

A young, inexperienced (in more ways than one) business executive for a multinational corporation gets his first overseas assignment in Japan. His first night there a young geisha girl brings up a bouquet of the hotel's complimentary flowers. She is quite sexy, our young exec thinks, and so he decides to go for it. She accepts his proposition, and they proceed to the bedroom.

During lovemaking, the girl mutters the word, "Hitakushi, Hitakushi," occasionally. Being the inexperienced young lad that he is, he believes that "Hitakushi" must mean "Great" in Japanese. The night ends, and the man feels like he is top of the world. But it does not end there. The girl returns the next evening, and the same thing happens as the night before. And always the girl is saying, "Hitakushi". He, needless to say feels like quite the dynamo.

The week is coming to a close, and the exec's last duty is to play a round of golf with a perspective Japanese business client. Both players are having a mediocre day, until the 9th hole. The Japanese man hits a hole-in-one, and, our young exec, thinking he had the perfect opportunity to use his new word in Japanese, yells out emphatically, "Hitakushi! Hitakushi!"

The Japanese man turns around and asks angrily, "What the hell do you mean, WRONG HOLE!?!?!?!?"

Skiing mishap

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over. The "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.

If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So with time running out, she weighed her options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would ever notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skies so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had the skies positioned the wrong way.

Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without any warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and on to the slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while she continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual sight for the other skiers.

The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was she broke her arm and was unable to pull up the ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nude show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with a broken leg was put in a bed next to hers.

"So, how'd you break your leg?" She asked, making small talk.

"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said "I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backwards out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."

"So how'd you break your arm?"

OLD MAN ON A MOPED

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1996, Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped ( looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies "A 1996 Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It cost $500,000.

"That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?

"Because this car can do up to200 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside? "Sure," replies the owner.

So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads200 MPH.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my 7?" the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun an RX-7?"

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and Jesus to Betsy, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

Is this your company?

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day they felt ready.

The Japanese won by a mile.

Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action. The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!!!

Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the mangers a bonus for discovering the problem.